yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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