dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
