My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize