Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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