Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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