i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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