I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
