My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
