i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
