Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
