Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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