Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
