This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
