and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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