the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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