Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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