My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize