i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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