I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
