A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
