Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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