My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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