She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
