Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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