Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
