Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I wish my penis had an off switch
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
