i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't deserve a penis
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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