i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
