I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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