she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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