I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
