I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
