i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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