I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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