she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
