you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize