The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
