funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
