yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
