I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
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