someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
she peed on how many people?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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