Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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