all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
