My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
