Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
