Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize