Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
