tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize