I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
4 words: hood of his car
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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