Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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