I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize