What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
how does that bad decision feel?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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