i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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