1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
