It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize