I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
