Old men and throwing up are my life now.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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