I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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