I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
