Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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