But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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