i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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